i just have to get this out of my head!!!:-(
this something that makes me feel ikee inside.
this something that i think is inappropriate.
this something that is not right.
this something that makes me wonder.
this something that makes me worry.
this something that brings back the past. the past that i would love to forget.:-(
this something that irritates me.
this something that makes me watch. that makes me feel AWKWARD.:-(
i would not call this the thing i would not want to say 'til i know it is really it. it's really bothering me. and i mean really really bothering me. it's the feeling i felt years ago that made me want not to feel it again 'til i'm sure i'm ready to feel and face it like a man. it's completely complicated. (sigh).:-(
i feel that i don't have the right to be frustrated. but i am.
i really hope it's not the thing i think it is. i hope i can get this out of my head!
bye!:-(
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
he-who-doesn't-feel-like-it:-(
i don't know. i really really don't know.:-(
i hate it. i hate it so much.:-(
(sigh!):-(
i'm aiming to post two blogs today, since i haven't visited this account for a long while. hope i can achieve that.:-)
right. now that my semester has finally crossed the finish line, i can now be able to take a look back on the things i apparently took for granted. i hate the end. hate it so so much...don't know why i do. maybe i just hate feeling left alone without anyone to talk with. as my days here in elbi add up, i remember my dorm days.:-) and that feeling of loneliness every end of semester. that kind of feeling i experience while staring at those dormers outside the dormitory with their baggage, wating for their parents to pick them up.:-(
i'm planning to go home tomorrow. but i think i don't have the courage to do so yet. i also don't know why...i hate it...really.
this semester had been cruel. i mean, really cruel. for me at least...:-(
i had a lot of precious time wasted. really wasted. but i couldn't blame anyone but me. i took every moment for granted and never thought of the consequences of my previous actions.:-(
it's sad. really sad. my grades this semester is actually below average, compared to my grades last semester. i expect almost all of my grades this sem is on the line of 2 and/or lower. it's not because i don't study. i do. when i can and when i badly need to. maybe it's because i underestimated my subjects this semester. i expected them to be easy and passable but they're not. they're hard. and cruel. and hard. and really cruel. they make my nose bleed and my brain squeeze.
[(sigh!) and a big one.]
nevertheless, i'm expecting to pass all my courses this semester. only, not with the grades i expected myself to have, but with grades just enough to make me feel good about myself. one thing's for sure, i'll make it a point to give my studies more time next semester.:-)
songs for the day: "Somebody Out There" and "Waiting for Yesterday"
[both by David Archuleta:-)]
i hate it. i hate it so much.:-(
(sigh!):-(
i'm aiming to post two blogs today, since i haven't visited this account for a long while. hope i can achieve that.:-)
right. now that my semester has finally crossed the finish line, i can now be able to take a look back on the things i apparently took for granted. i hate the end. hate it so so much...don't know why i do. maybe i just hate feeling left alone without anyone to talk with. as my days here in elbi add up, i remember my dorm days.:-) and that feeling of loneliness every end of semester. that kind of feeling i experience while staring at those dormers outside the dormitory with their baggage, wating for their parents to pick them up.:-(
i'm planning to go home tomorrow. but i think i don't have the courage to do so yet. i also don't know why...i hate it...really.
this semester had been cruel. i mean, really cruel. for me at least...:-(
i had a lot of precious time wasted. really wasted. but i couldn't blame anyone but me. i took every moment for granted and never thought of the consequences of my previous actions.:-(
it's sad. really sad. my grades this semester is actually below average, compared to my grades last semester. i expect almost all of my grades this sem is on the line of 2 and/or lower. it's not because i don't study. i do. when i can and when i badly need to. maybe it's because i underestimated my subjects this semester. i expected them to be easy and passable but they're not. they're hard. and cruel. and hard. and really cruel. they make my nose bleed and my brain squeeze.
[(sigh!) and a big one.]
nevertheless, i'm expecting to pass all my courses this semester. only, not with the grades i expected myself to have, but with grades just enough to make me feel good about myself. one thing's for sure, i'll make it a point to give my studies more time next semester.:-)
songs for the day: "Somebody Out There" and "Waiting for Yesterday"
[both by David Archuleta:-)]
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
a hang-over:-)
i accidentally closed mozilla. darn. so, i guess i'll have to type it all over again... ok, here it goes. again...:-)
OH HAIL THE MOVIE, "IN MY LIFE"!!!!!!!!!
it's the newest movie of star cinema starring vilma santos, johnlloyd cruz, and luis manzano.
today is actually the nationwide premiere of the movie, and we just have to watch it right away!!! haha. it was really worth the effort and money, and time, and [tears]. haha.:-) we travelled all the way to walter mart in calamba, laguna from uplb just to watch the film.
the actors were great! awesome! fantastic! the settings were beautiful! the lines are unforgettable! i really can't say anything more to such a fantastic film. i give my two thumbs way way up high!!! i'd love to watch again. and maybe again, and again...haha:-)
OH HAIL THE MOVIE, "IN MY LIFE"!!!!!!!!!
it's the newest movie of star cinema starring vilma santos, johnlloyd cruz, and luis manzano.
today is actually the nationwide premiere of the movie, and we just have to watch it right away!!! haha. it was really worth the effort and money, and time, and [tears]. haha.:-) we travelled all the way to walter mart in calamba, laguna from uplb just to watch the film.
the actors were great! awesome! fantastic! the settings were beautiful! the lines are unforgettable! i really can't say anything more to such a fantastic film. i give my two thumbs way way up high!!! i'd love to watch again. and maybe again, and again...haha:-)
Sunday, September 13, 2009
he-who-remembered-to-drop-a-line [or more:-)]
finally!!!! [haha] i found time to post a blog on my site.:-)
looking back, july was the date of my last post. it's been really long. the interval, i mean. nevertheless, i'm still trying to keep this site runnin'....:-)
anyways...life's going great. but not as planned. you know. you're happy with what is happening in your life yet you've not planned of having any of them. confusing really.
updates on my acad-life:
well, it's not at all going the way i planned it. i'm failing exams on subjects i strictly told myself not to fail. i'm doing the best i can, honestly, yet, it seems not enough to deserve a passing grade. all i'm praying at the moment is not to fail any of my courses this semester.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's hard. quite hard. especially if you other things that keeps you busy.
however, my other subjects are on the boundary between average and above average. i consider it to be a good sign of getting through this first semester well. i hope it is. [fingers crossed]........
other stuffs:
org. done another concert last end of july. we never quit, don't we?
(sigh)
these past few days are a bit stressful for me, not because i have loads of exams but because i feel the pressure of my commitments as the end of the semester nears. i really hope i can get through all this!!!!
sigh! oh well. better get used to it, i guess.
anyway, the next time i post a blog again, i'll update everyone on what i've been doin'....
see yah!
looking back, july was the date of my last post. it's been really long. the interval, i mean. nevertheless, i'm still trying to keep this site runnin'....:-)
anyways...life's going great. but not as planned. you know. you're happy with what is happening in your life yet you've not planned of having any of them. confusing really.
updates on my acad-life:
well, it's not at all going the way i planned it. i'm failing exams on subjects i strictly told myself not to fail. i'm doing the best i can, honestly, yet, it seems not enough to deserve a passing grade. all i'm praying at the moment is not to fail any of my courses this semester.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's hard. quite hard. especially if you other things that keeps you busy.
however, my other subjects are on the boundary between average and above average. i consider it to be a good sign of getting through this first semester well. i hope it is. [fingers crossed]........
other stuffs:
org. done another concert last end of july. we never quit, don't we?
(sigh)
these past few days are a bit stressful for me, not because i have loads of exams but because i feel the pressure of my commitments as the end of the semester nears. i really hope i can get through all this!!!!
sigh! oh well. better get used to it, i guess.
anyway, the next time i post a blog again, i'll update everyone on what i've been doin'....
see yah!
Monday, July 20, 2009
he-who's-confused
the end of july is nearing yet i haven't posted anything here since the 14th of june.
it's really hard to keep track of everything that's happening around me, so i probably won't relate much this time.
i haven't watched harry potter and the half blood prince yet.
to think that i am a self-proclaimed hp fan. haha.
really weird.
i'm probably just pumped up from all the stress of being a student and a dancer.
concert's coming up yet polishing every dance move of every dancer in every dances of the concert is very far from over.
hope we can do this in time for the show.
(sigh)........
acads...
i'm tripping on my academics.
factors? i don't wanna enumerate.
i will just do the best i can to catch up with everything i keep on missing.
it's really hard to keep track of everything that's happening around me, so i probably won't relate much this time.
i haven't watched harry potter and the half blood prince yet.
to think that i am a self-proclaimed hp fan. haha.
really weird.
i'm probably just pumped up from all the stress of being a student and a dancer.
concert's coming up yet polishing every dance move of every dancer in every dances of the concert is very far from over.
hope we can do this in time for the show.
(sigh)........
acads...
i'm tripping on my academics.
factors? i don't wanna enumerate.
i will just do the best i can to catch up with everything i keep on missing.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
i hate this feeling:-(
i hate this feeling right now...(sigh)
i feel like throwing up but then i'm hungry. haha.
i really don't feel good. i wanna rest. fresh from the trip back here in elbi. (sigh)
i'm dizzy.
despite the things i'm feeling at the moment, i wanna stay up. got lots of things to do today. haha.
think i'll take medication once i've finished with everything that needs to be done. lol:-)
going back to school is so not easy. especially when you feel SICK!!!!!!!! haha.
bye!
i feel like throwing up but then i'm hungry. haha.
i really don't feel good. i wanna rest. fresh from the trip back here in elbi. (sigh)
i'm dizzy.
despite the things i'm feeling at the moment, i wanna stay up. got lots of things to do today. haha.
think i'll take medication once i've finished with everything that needs to be done. lol:-)
going back to school is so not easy. especially when you feel SICK!!!!!!!! haha.
bye!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
he-who's-got-the-last-song-syndrome
huh...lss again.
what song??
haha. a thousand miles. the version by david archuleta.:-)
found it one time on the internet and found it way coooolll!!!! haha. know the song's not new. but it's got this cool piano accompaniment that i really, really love listening to. haha. wonder if i'd ever learn to play the piano. 'm not actually a musical-instrument-person. (sigh)
making my way downtown
walking fast, faces pass
and i'm home bound...
haha. lss.
by the way, i'm listening to other songs (of david)..:-)x_x. zero gravity! way cool! i didn't think he could sing a song with this kind of beat.
if anyone can make me fall in love,
you can...
save me from myself,
you can...
you can. love this song!!!!! of all his songs on his first album, i love this most. great rhythm!
show me that good things come to those who wait....
to be with you. another favorite of mine. just can't memorize it though. anyway...so i can't get over david these days...haha. 'm not obsessed or anything, mind you. (sigh)! [oohh...it smells good! haha. i smelled food. 'm hungry, but it's too early for dinner:-)].
oh no! i've signed out!! noooo!!! oh well, i'll just post this in my friendster account.:-).
anyways, i'll be invisible here for a while, i expect. partly because the 1st term of our academic year is starting and because, recently, i'm too caught up listening to music on youtube!.
see yah!
what song??
haha. a thousand miles. the version by david archuleta.:-)
found it one time on the internet and found it way coooolll!!!! haha. know the song's not new. but it's got this cool piano accompaniment that i really, really love listening to. haha. wonder if i'd ever learn to play the piano. 'm not actually a musical-instrument-person. (sigh)
making my way downtown
walking fast, faces pass
and i'm home bound...
haha. lss.
by the way, i'm listening to other songs (of david)..:-)x_x. zero gravity! way cool! i didn't think he could sing a song with this kind of beat.
if anyone can make me fall in love,
you can...
save me from myself,
you can...
you can. love this song!!!!! of all his songs on his first album, i love this most. great rhythm!
show me that good things come to those who wait....
to be with you. another favorite of mine. just can't memorize it though. anyway...so i can't get over david these days...haha. 'm not obsessed or anything, mind you. (sigh)! [oohh...it smells good! haha. i smelled food. 'm hungry, but it's too early for dinner:-)].
oh no! i've signed out!! noooo!!! oh well, i'll just post this in my friendster account.:-).
anyways, i'll be invisible here for a while, i expect. partly because the 1st term of our academic year is starting and because, recently, i'm too caught up listening to music on youtube!.
see yah!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
trying something new
My Voice Within
dreams are just dreams, they say.
never meant to stay.
never destined true.
but i'll believe and pray,
and hope everything comes true someday.
wishes are what they are.
mere fragments of thoughts,
just imaginations.
but my heart'll seek the light,
know my dreams will be heard in paradise.
got to keep fighting.
i will keep on fighting,
fight my dreams to existence.
if i fail trying,
and my world seems ending,
i'll stand and hold my head high.
'cause i know inside,
i'll reach my dreams and fly,
among those stars in the sky.
i'll shut my ears from what they're sayin'
and listen to my voice within.
life is no fantasy.
they keep telling me,
it's reality.
but i'll make my dreams real.
listen to my voice; follow what you feel.
i got to keep fighting.
i will keep on fighting,
fight my dreams to existence.
if i fail trying,
and my world seems ending,
i'll stand and hold my head high.
knowing deep inside,
i'll reach my dreams and fly,
among those stars, bright in the sky.
i'll not hear what they're commanding,
instead listen to my voice within.
oh, my voice within,
hoping...
believing...
reaching...
my voice from deep within...
dreams are just dreams, they say.
never meant to stay.
never destined true.
but i'll believe and pray,
and hope everything comes true someday.
wishes are what they are.
mere fragments of thoughts,
just imaginations.
but my heart'll seek the light,
know my dreams will be heard in paradise.
got to keep fighting.
i will keep on fighting,
fight my dreams to existence.
if i fail trying,
and my world seems ending,
i'll stand and hold my head high.
'cause i know inside,
i'll reach my dreams and fly,
among those stars in the sky.
i'll shut my ears from what they're sayin'
and listen to my voice within.
life is no fantasy.
they keep telling me,
it's reality.
but i'll make my dreams real.
listen to my voice; follow what you feel.
i got to keep fighting.
i will keep on fighting,
fight my dreams to existence.
if i fail trying,
and my world seems ending,
i'll stand and hold my head high.
knowing deep inside,
i'll reach my dreams and fly,
among those stars, bright in the sky.
i'll not hear what they're commanding,
instead listen to my voice within.
oh, my voice within,
hoping...
believing...
reaching...
my voice from deep within...
-just inspired :-D
Sunday, May 31, 2009
a birthday gone wild
well...just turned 17 yesterday! hahaha...yeah!
so what's the big deal? lol..:-D
anyways...i've finally finalized my schedule for next semester! thought i'd never get a chance to. darn net! hahaha:-) i'm just so happy right now...:-D
oh, yeah...i'm gonna relate to everyone how i spent my birthday yesterday..(huh, sounds redundant.)...okay, here it goes...i woke up and considered the day as practically like any other day...i expected nothing from my family and nothing from my friends. i checked my phone and found 3 messages. i opened them and was shocked to see...............hahaha! lol...who am i kidding. let's get to the good bit!....
well, i lost 200 pesos in the atm! (think it's grammatically wrong:-)). i didn't know how it happened though. (sigh). i was planning to treat everyone, BUT NO! the machine just have to eat my money! hahaha.lol. [reminds me, gonna report that to the bank tomorrow:-D]
we (i and some of my high school classmates) gathered yesterday, not for my birthday, but to welcome back a former classmate of ours from japan. haha. lol. well, that was the original plan anyway.......when we got to his house, we learned from his mother that he won't be back 'til tomorrow evening (which would be today:-D). haha. lol. thanks to our ever trustworthy (NOT!) informant, we got ourselves in to a really really really embarassing situation!!! haha. and worse, it rained!!!! hahaha...we're soaked, humiliated and hungry!!! and i don't have any money. thanks to the atm!!!! hahaha.lol;-)
WHAT A WAY TO SPEND A BIRTHDAY! hahaha. right????!!!
--but thanks anyway guys for spending it with me!!!! haha. loads of fun!!! hahaha
oh yeah...i just remembered; instead of getting home early last night...we ended the day with a little drinking session....haha....i didn't get tipsy. SWEAR! haha. but i drunk nevertheless. haha. it was way fun chatting with my old friends over bottles of beer (and brandy)...hahaha.
just to make myself clear....i'm not a drunkard....it was all for fun. and hey, i'ts my birthday anyway! hahaha...:-)
so there...got money "eaten up" by a machine. got soaking wet. drinking up. humiliated. and a whole lot of greetings!!! hahaha. not really my kind of birthday! haha
see yah!
so what's the big deal? lol..:-D
anyways...i've finally finalized my schedule for next semester! thought i'd never get a chance to. darn net! hahaha:-) i'm just so happy right now...:-D
oh, yeah...i'm gonna relate to everyone how i spent my birthday yesterday..(huh, sounds redundant.)...okay, here it goes...i woke up and considered the day as practically like any other day...i expected nothing from my family and nothing from my friends. i checked my phone and found 3 messages. i opened them and was shocked to see...............hahaha! lol...who am i kidding. let's get to the good bit!....
well, i lost 200 pesos in the atm! (think it's grammatically wrong:-)). i didn't know how it happened though. (sigh). i was planning to treat everyone, BUT NO! the machine just have to eat my money! hahaha.lol. [reminds me, gonna report that to the bank tomorrow:-D]
we (i and some of my high school classmates) gathered yesterday, not for my birthday, but to welcome back a former classmate of ours from japan. haha. lol. well, that was the original plan anyway.......when we got to his house, we learned from his mother that he won't be back 'til tomorrow evening (which would be today:-D). haha. lol. thanks to our ever trustworthy (NOT!) informant, we got ourselves in to a really really really embarassing situation!!! haha. and worse, it rained!!!! hahaha...we're soaked, humiliated and hungry!!! and i don't have any money. thanks to the atm!!!! hahaha.lol;-)
WHAT A WAY TO SPEND A BIRTHDAY! hahaha. right????!!!
--but thanks anyway guys for spending it with me!!!! haha. loads of fun!!! hahaha
oh yeah...i just remembered; instead of getting home early last night...we ended the day with a little drinking session....haha....i didn't get tipsy. SWEAR! haha. but i drunk nevertheless. haha. it was way fun chatting with my old friends over bottles of beer (and brandy)...hahaha.
just to make myself clear....i'm not a drunkard....it was all for fun. and hey, i'ts my birthday anyway! hahaha...:-)
so there...got money "eaten up" by a machine. got soaking wet. drinking up. humiliated. and a whole lot of greetings!!! hahaha. not really my kind of birthday! haha
see yah!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
he-who's-not-up-dated
not up-dated.
haha. i'm officially not up-dated with practically anything right now. maybe it's because our tv is on vacation. haha. it's actually broken. darn. i don't know what's happening to showbiz...huh!!!!
well, not only showbusiness. apparently the world. i'll not be surprise to wake up one day not knowing that there is a tsunami coming. or worse. haha. hope not.X_x. :-D
(sigh). well...i just watched david a's performance in eat bulaga, a few minutes ago. don't know when's that happened, though. haha. no tv. apparently, he and cook visited the country for a concert. funny...my sister and i were just talking about how cool and rad it would be if archie and cook would have a concert here in the philippines...hahahahaha.:-) [i'll relate this to her when i get back home]...:-D
crap. music is really something i got so much upset about when we got our television broken. but....thanks to 91.1 campus radio, we, or rather i, still hear the songs i love listening to. haha.:-) though they don't play songs that are really "new."
oh, that reminds me. our town festival got featured on national tv. live. haha. on gma7. not so sure if that is something to be "really" happy about. hah! well frankly, it's really a bore! [just my opinion...:-)]
by the way...i also watched david a and c's interview with eugene domingo. hahahaha. [lol] haha. it's really funny. you should watch it. eugene is really good.:-)
[just noticed...i'm quite fond of typing the word "really". really. i mean, seriously. :-D]
anyways...i'm quite disappointed that it was gma7 who covered their (david a and c's) visit here in the philippines. what happened to abs??? sleeping, while the whole country is screaming the idols' names??!!! haha. nothing personal. thanks to gma, though. [thought i'd check archie's twitter later.:-)] hahahaha.X_x.
hmmmm...hhhmmmm..(sigh)
oh, just checked my systemone account earlier. haha. still have no slot in speech com 1. maybe i should have not cancelled out my slot in nat-sci 10. oh well. i'll just wait til next week and see if i get the subject.
'til then. haha. got nothing more to say. gonna visit my friendster and multiply account.
haha. i'm officially not up-dated with practically anything right now. maybe it's because our tv is on vacation. haha. it's actually broken. darn. i don't know what's happening to showbiz...huh!!!!
well, not only showbusiness. apparently the world. i'll not be surprise to wake up one day not knowing that there is a tsunami coming. or worse. haha. hope not.X_x. :-D
(sigh). well...i just watched david a's performance in eat bulaga, a few minutes ago. don't know when's that happened, though. haha. no tv. apparently, he and cook visited the country for a concert. funny...my sister and i were just talking about how cool and rad it would be if archie and cook would have a concert here in the philippines...hahahahaha.:-) [i'll relate this to her when i get back home]...:-D
crap. music is really something i got so much upset about when we got our television broken. but....thanks to 91.1 campus radio, we, or rather i, still hear the songs i love listening to. haha.:-) though they don't play songs that are really "new."
oh, that reminds me. our town festival got featured on national tv. live. haha. on gma7. not so sure if that is something to be "really" happy about. hah! well frankly, it's really a bore! [just my opinion...:-)]
by the way...i also watched david a and c's interview with eugene domingo. hahahaha. [lol] haha. it's really funny. you should watch it. eugene is really good.:-)
[just noticed...i'm quite fond of typing the word "really". really. i mean, seriously. :-D]
anyways...i'm quite disappointed that it was gma7 who covered their (david a and c's) visit here in the philippines. what happened to abs??? sleeping, while the whole country is screaming the idols' names??!!! haha. nothing personal. thanks to gma, though. [thought i'd check archie's twitter later.:-)] hahahaha.X_x.
hmmmm...hhhmmmm..(sigh)
oh, just checked my systemone account earlier. haha. still have no slot in speech com 1. maybe i should have not cancelled out my slot in nat-sci 10. oh well. i'll just wait til next week and see if i get the subject.
'til then. haha. got nothing more to say. gonna visit my friendster and multiply account.
Monday, May 11, 2009
he-who-dropped-by
hey! i'm still breathing...haha
just thought i'd drop by and post something...just recently watched the marian rivera scandal. (disturbing. really.). evn if i don't like her, i feel sorry that awful thing happened. though i must admit that i was laughing while watching the video (also chuckling really hard:-D). haha. mean. really mean.
anyways....
i'm browsing my fs and multiply...see yah!
X_x.
:-)..
"still bewildered...."
just thought i'd drop by and post something...just recently watched the marian rivera scandal. (disturbing. really.). evn if i don't like her, i feel sorry that awful thing happened. though i must admit that i was laughing while watching the video (also chuckling really hard:-D). haha. mean. really mean.
anyways....
i'm browsing my fs and multiply...see yah!
X_x.
:-)..
"still bewildered...."
Sunday, April 26, 2009
he-who-went-to-the-beach-and-got-sun-burnt
darn it!..it seems the net is experiencing malfunctions this evening. hahahahahahaha [LOL:)].
great!...everyone's shouting here...can't concentrate.(sigh)
ahhhmmmmm....let's see...
it's been a while since i've posted an entry here. hahaX_x.
Commercial:
everybody left...haha. yey! (well, almost)
goin' back...[just noticed, i keep on putting ellipses:) and commercials. haha]. well, i'm back here in mauban. i didn't get a subject, more specifically, a slot in chem17. stupid subject. haha:). bitter me...hahaha. oh well, there's no point thinking about it. i'll just have to advance a lot of subjects and fit everything in 4 years of study. hahaX_x.
presently speaking. we went to the beach this morning. and obviously, i got sun-burnt. haha. hope my skin turns back to its original color by the start of term. (sigh). anyways. i had much fun! under the scorging sun. hahaha.:).
as i've said on my previous entries, i wouldn't be posting too much entries over the summer.
okay. ahhhmmm. well....out of words again. [it's noisy again here].
i attended mass earlier. well, i mean late this afternoon. 5:00 pm mass, to be exact. haha:). the preach was awesome. haha. for a mass preach i mean. no cross, no crown. no pain, no gain. no guts, no glory. go father! haha:) it's been a long time since i attended mass here in our town. i rarely go home during the regular semester.
next time i'll post an entry about the latest songs on myx.:D...there's also a song i'm really pissed off of hearing. haha. i'll post something about it here also. and in my review box in multiply. but for the mean time, i'll leave this post right here. can't concentrate here. noisy, you know. (sigh).
miss everyone in elbi. (sigh).
looking forward to seeing you all this coming semester! love you all!
haha:D.X_x...:-)
see yah!
-bye!
"still harry potter-mystified!"
great!...everyone's shouting here...can't concentrate.(sigh)
ahhhmmmmm....let's see...
it's been a while since i've posted an entry here. hahaX_x.
Commercial:
everybody left...haha. yey! (well, almost)
goin' back...[just noticed, i keep on putting ellipses:) and commercials. haha]. well, i'm back here in mauban. i didn't get a subject, more specifically, a slot in chem17. stupid subject. haha:). bitter me...hahaha. oh well, there's no point thinking about it. i'll just have to advance a lot of subjects and fit everything in 4 years of study. hahaX_x.
presently speaking. we went to the beach this morning. and obviously, i got sun-burnt. haha. hope my skin turns back to its original color by the start of term. (sigh). anyways. i had much fun! under the scorging sun. hahaha.:).
as i've said on my previous entries, i wouldn't be posting too much entries over the summer.
okay. ahhhmmm. well....out of words again. [it's noisy again here].
i attended mass earlier. well, i mean late this afternoon. 5:00 pm mass, to be exact. haha:). the preach was awesome. haha. for a mass preach i mean. no cross, no crown. no pain, no gain. no guts, no glory. go father! haha:) it's been a long time since i attended mass here in our town. i rarely go home during the regular semester.
next time i'll post an entry about the latest songs on myx.:D...there's also a song i'm really pissed off of hearing. haha. i'll post something about it here also. and in my review box in multiply. but for the mean time, i'll leave this post right here. can't concentrate here. noisy, you know. (sigh).
miss everyone in elbi. (sigh).
looking forward to seeing you all this coming semester! love you all!
haha:D.X_x...:-)
see yah!
-bye!
"still harry potter-mystified!"
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
he-who-came-back-for-apparently-nothing
i'm back in elbi!!!! haha:-)
after the holy week, i'm here once more to study. well that was the original plan.....(sigh!)
as most of us know, (well i, maybe) i originally planned to take chem17 as a summer class. i originally planned to take a five unit course to advance my course plan of study. (sigh again). well it turned out to be the other way around (or i still hope not! never give up! haha.)....i tried everything i could think of to have a "golden" slot in chem17. yet everything failed miserably. huhuhuhu:-(.
(SIGH. SIGh. SIgh. Sigh. sigh...)
x_X..
so what will i do now??? go home and cry? seek my parents' advice? accept the situation that i am already delayed? live with my fate? or stay here in elbi for a few more days and hope and wait and wish to have a subject (chem17) this summer even if i know that it would be purely miracle if and only if i luckily get one????...(sigh)X_x....
the institute of chemistry is starting to get into my nerves!!!...i can't believe they would open only 2 sections for chem17 this summer despite the fact that almost 200 students 'badly' needthe course!!! arrggg!!!!....we tried petitioning but sadly failed. i tried desperately to manually enlist (with the help of my orgmate. thanks a lot bro, i owe you one!:-)) for the course but miserably lost hope because of prioritizing. hmmm.....(sigh)
i just wanna let this out of my system before i explode into smithereenes and eventually to nothingness! @#%*!!!!! (i don't want to say bad words...",)
oh well...unfair is what make of a world like ours...but nothing lost nothing gained, right? maybe i'll have a better something (a blessing i suppose) that'll surely make up for not having the course. (sigh)...[this blog is starting to fill with sighs:-D]...still, i want to enroll this summer...i already exerted so much effort on this. haha. i don't want my efforts and time to go to waste. haha.:-) and i have nothing to do this coming 2 months! i'll grow roots on my feet and have molds all over me over the summer! hahaha.:-D. X_x...
we'll (i and my orgmate who, also, desperately needs chem17) go back to physci tomorrow to check if we can do something to have the subject for the both of us.:-) wish us luck guys!!!! hahaha.
anyways. i've been reading works of Neil Gaiman (is the spelling right?) lately. and woah!, is he marvelous or the sky isn't blue. haha. love his works! well, a lot of it...i don't get a few compositions...haha. i really love his apparent version of the fairytale 'snowhite'-- snow, glass, apples. who would have thought snowhite, who is sweet, beautiful and fair, could be a monster in the eyes of a marvelous writer. it's like turning the ocean into solid ice. frozen. brainwashed. turned against. confused....haha..:-) the story is really catchy...everyone should read it! hahahaha.:-D
i'll google up a copy. if i could find one. and post it here....haha:-)
I do not know what manner of thing she is. None of us do. She killed her mother in the birthing, but that's never enough to account for it.
-maybe i'll try something like this later in life....haha.
-til then! bye!
"i hope i can be someone else right now..."
after the holy week, i'm here once more to study. well that was the original plan.....(sigh!)
as most of us know, (well i, maybe) i originally planned to take chem17 as a summer class. i originally planned to take a five unit course to advance my course plan of study. (sigh again). well it turned out to be the other way around (or i still hope not! never give up! haha.)....i tried everything i could think of to have a "golden" slot in chem17. yet everything failed miserably. huhuhuhu:-(.
(SIGH. SIGh. SIgh. Sigh. sigh...)
x_X..
so what will i do now??? go home and cry? seek my parents' advice? accept the situation that i am already delayed? live with my fate? or stay here in elbi for a few more days and hope and wait and wish to have a subject (chem17) this summer even if i know that it would be purely miracle if and only if i luckily get one????...(sigh)X_x....
the institute of chemistry is starting to get into my nerves!!!...i can't believe they would open only 2 sections for chem17 this summer despite the fact that almost 200 students 'badly' needthe course!!! arrggg!!!!....we tried petitioning but sadly failed. i tried desperately to manually enlist (with the help of my orgmate. thanks a lot bro, i owe you one!:-)) for the course but miserably lost hope because of prioritizing. hmmm.....(sigh)
i just wanna let this out of my system before i explode into smithereenes and eventually to nothingness! @#%*!!!!! (i don't want to say bad words...",)
oh well...unfair is what make of a world like ours...but nothing lost nothing gained, right? maybe i'll have a better something (a blessing i suppose) that'll surely make up for not having the course. (sigh)...[this blog is starting to fill with sighs:-D]...still, i want to enroll this summer...i already exerted so much effort on this. haha. i don't want my efforts and time to go to waste. haha.:-) and i have nothing to do this coming 2 months! i'll grow roots on my feet and have molds all over me over the summer! hahaha.:-D. X_x...
we'll (i and my orgmate who, also, desperately needs chem17) go back to physci tomorrow to check if we can do something to have the subject for the both of us.:-) wish us luck guys!!!! hahaha.
anyways. i've been reading works of Neil Gaiman (is the spelling right?) lately. and woah!, is he marvelous or the sky isn't blue. haha. love his works! well, a lot of it...i don't get a few compositions...haha. i really love his apparent version of the fairytale 'snowhite'-- snow, glass, apples. who would have thought snowhite, who is sweet, beautiful and fair, could be a monster in the eyes of a marvelous writer. it's like turning the ocean into solid ice. frozen. brainwashed. turned against. confused....haha..:-) the story is really catchy...everyone should read it! hahahaha.:-D
i'll google up a copy. if i could find one. and post it here....haha:-)
SNOW, GLASS, APPLES
I do not know what manner of thing she is. None of us do. She killed her mother in the birthing, but that's never enough to account for it.
They call me wise, but I am far from wise, for all that I foresaw fragments of it, frozen moments caught in pools of water or in the cold glass of my mirror. If I were wise I would not have tried to change what I saw. If I were wise I would have killed myself before ever I encountered her, before ever I caught him.
Wise, and a witch, or so they said, and I'd seen his face in my dreams and in reflections for all my life: sixteen years of dreaming of him before he reined his horse by the bridge that morning, and asked my name. He helped me onto his high horse and we rode together to my little cottage, my face buried in the gold of his hair. He asked for the best of what I had; a king's right, it was.
His beard was red-bronze in the morning light, and I knew him, not as a king, for I knew nothing of kings then, but as my love. He took all he wanted from me, the right of kings, but he returned to me on the following day, and on the night after that: his beard so red, his hair so gold, his eyes the blue of a summer sky, his skin tanned the gentle brown of ripe wheat.
His daughter was only a child: no more than five years of age when I came to the palace. A portrait of her dead mother hung in the princess's tower room; a tall woman, hair the colour of dark wood, eyes nut-brown. She was of a different blood to her pale daughter.
The girl would not eat with us.
I do not know where in the palace she ate.
I had my own chambers. My husband the king, he had his own rooms also. When he wanted me he would send for me, and I would go to him, and pleasure him, and take my pleasure with him.
One night, several months after I was brought to the palace, she came to my rooms. She was six. I was embroidering by lamplight, squinting my eyes against the lamp's smoke and fitful illumination. When I looked up, she was there.
"Princess?"
She said nothing. Her eyes were black as coal, black as her hair; her lips were redder than blood. She looked up at me and smiled. Her teeth seemed sharp, even then, in the lamplight.
"What are you doing away from your room?"
"I'm hungry," she said, like any child.
It was winter, when fresh food is a dream of warmth and sunlight; but I had strings of whole apples, cored and dried, hanging from the beams of my chamber, and I pulled an apple down for her.
"Here."
Autumn is the time of drying, of preserving, a time of picking apples, of rendering the goose fat. Winter is the time of hunger, of snow, and of death; and it is the time of the midwinter feast, when we rub the goose-fat into the skin of a whole pig, stuffed with that autumn's apples, then we roast it or spit it, and we prepare to feast upon the crackling.
She took the dried apple from me and began to chew it with her sharp yellow teeth.
"Is it good?"
She nodded. I had always been scared of the little princess, but at that moment I warmed to her and, with my fingers, gently, I stroked her cheek. She looked at me and smiled -- she smiled but rarely -- then she sank her teeth into the base of my thumb, the Mound of Venus, and she drew blood.
I began to shriek, from pain and from surprise; but she looked at me and I fell silent.
The little Princess fastened her mouth to my hand and licked and sucked and drank. When she was finished, she left my chamber. Beneath my gaze the cut that she had made began to close, to scab, and to heal. The next day it was an old scar: I might have cut my hand with a pocket-knife in my childhood.
I had been frozen by her, owned and dominated. That scared me, more than the blood she had fed on. After that night I locked my chamber door at dusk, barring it with an oaken pole, and I had the smith forge iron bars, which he placed across my windows.
My husband, my love, my king, sent for me less and less, and when I came to him he was dizzy, listless, confused. He could no longer make love as a man makes love; and he would not permit me to pleasure him with my mouth: the one time I tried, he started, violently, and began to weep. I pulled my mouth away and held him tightly, until the sobbing had stopped, and he slept, like a child.
I ran my fingers across his skin as he slept. It was covered in a multitude of ancient scars. But I could recall no scars from the days of our courtship, save one, on his side, where a boar had gored him when he was a youth.
Soon he was a shadow of the man I had met and loved by the bridge. His bones showed, blue and white, beneath his skin. I was with him at the last: his hands were cold as stone, his eyes milky-blue, his hair and beard faded and lustreless and limp. He died unshriven, his skin nipped and pocked from head to toe with tiny, old scars.
He weighed near to nothing. The ground was frozen hard, and we could dig no grave for him, so we made a cairn of rocks and stones above his body, as a memorial only, for there was little enough of him left to protect from the hunger of the beasts and the birds.
So I was queen.
And I was foolish, and young -- eighteen summers had come and gone since first I saw daylight -- and I did not do what I would do, now.
If it were today, I would have her heart cut out, true. But then I would have her head and arms and legs cut off. I would have them disembowel her. And then I would watch, in the town square, as the hangman heated the fire to white-heat with bellows, watch unblinking as he consigned each part of her to the fire. I would have archers around the square, who would shoot any bird or animal who came close to the flames, any raven or dog or hawk or rat. And I would not close my eyes until the princess was ash, and a gentle wind could scatter her like snow.
I did not do this thing, and we pay for our mistakes.
They say I was fooled; that it was not her heart. That it was the heart of an animal -- a stag, perhaps, or a boar. They say that, and they are wrong.
And some say (but it is her lie, not mine) that I was given the heart, and that I ate it. Lies and half-truths fall like snow, covering the things that I remember, the things I saw. A landscape, unrecognisable after a snowfall; that is what she has made of my life.
There were scars on my love, her father's thighs, and on his ballock-pouch, and on his male member, when he died.
I did not go with them. They took her in the day, while she slept, and was at her weakest. They took her to the heart of the forest, and there they opened her blouse, and they cut out her heart, and they left her dead, in a gully, for the forest to swallow.
The forest is a dark place, the border to many kingdoms; no-one would be foolish enough to claim jurisdiction over it. Outlaws live in the forest. Robbers live in the forest, and so do wolves. You can ride through the forest for a dozen days and never see a soul; but there are eyes upon you the entire time.
They brought me her heart. I know it was hers -- no sow's heart or doe's would have continued to beat and pulse after it had been cut out, as that one did.
I took it to my chamber.
I did not eat it: I hung it from the beams above my bed, placed it on a length of twine that I strung with rowan-berries, orange-red as a robin's breast; and with bulbs of garlic.
Outside, the snow fell, covering the footprints of my huntsmen, covering her tiny body in the forest where it lay.
I had the smith remove the iron bars from my windows, and I would spend some time in my room each afternoon through the short winter days, gazing out over the forest, until darkness fell.
There were, as I have already stated, people in the forest. They would come out, some of them, for the Spring Fair: a greedy, feral, dangerous people; some were stunted -- dwarfs and midgets and hunchbacks; others had the huge teeth and vacant gazes of idiots; some had fingers like flippers or crab-claws. They would creep out of the forest each year for the Spring Fair, held when the snows had melted.
As a young lass I had worked at the Fair, and they had scared me then, the forest folk. I told fortunes for the Fairgoers, scrying in a pool of still water; and, later, when I was older, in a disc of polished glass, its back all silvered -- a gift from a merchant whose straying horse I had seen in a pool of ink.
The stallholders at the fair were afraid of the forest folk; they would nail their wares to the bare boards of their stalls -- slabs of gingerbread or leather belts were nailed with great iron nails to the wood. If their wares were not nailed, they said, the forest folk would take them, and run away, chewing on the stolen gingerbread, flailing about them with the belts.
The forest folk had money, though: a coin here, another there, sometimes stained green by time or the earth, the face on the coin unknown to even the oldest of us. Also they had things to trade, and thus the fair continued, serving the outcasts and the dwarfs, serving the robbers (if they were circumspect) who preyed on the rare travellers from lands beyond the forest, or on gypsies, or on the deer. (This was robbery in the eyes of the law. The deer were the queen's.)
The years passed by slowly, and my people claimed that I ruled them with wisdom. The heart still hung above by bed, pulsing gently in the night. If there were any who mourned the child, I saw no evidence: she was a thing of terror, back then, and they believed themselves well rid of her.
Spring Fair followed Spring Fair: five of them, each sadder, poorer, shoddier than the one before. Fewer of the forest folk came out of the forest to buy. Those who did seemed subdued and listless. The stallholders stopped nailing their wares to the boards of their stalls. And by the fifth year but a handful of folk came from the forest -- a fearful huddle of little hairy men, and no-one else.
The Lord of the Fair, and his page, came to me when the fair was done. I had known him slightly, before I was queen.
"I do not come to you as my queen," he said.
I said nothing. I listened.
"I come to you because you are wise," he continued. "When you were a child you found a strayed foal by staring into a pool of ink; when you were a maiden you found a lost infant who had wandered far from her mother, by staring into that mirror of yours. You know secrets and you can seek out things hidden. My queen," he asked, "what is taking the forest folk? Next year there will be no Spring Fair. The travellers from other kingdoms have grown scarce and few, the folk of the forest are almost gone. Another year like the last, and we shall all starve."
I commanded my maidservant to bring me my looking-glass. It was a simple thing, a silver-backed glass disk, which I kept wrapped in a doe-skin, in a chest, in my chamber.
They brought it to me, then, and I gazed into it:
She was twelve and she was no longer a little child. Her skin was still pale, her eyes and hair coal-black, her lips as red as blood. She wore the clothes she had worn when she left the castle for the last time -- the blouse, the skirt, -- although they were much let-out, much mended. Over them she wore a leather cloak, and instead of boots she had leather bags, tied with thongs, over her tiny feet.
She was standing in the forest, beside a tree.
As I watched, in the eye of my mind, I saw her edge and step and flitter and pad from tree to tree, like an animal: a bat or a wolf. She was following someone.
He was a monk. He wore sackcloth, and his feet were bare, and scabbed and hard. His beard and tonsure were of a length, overgrown, unshaven.
She watched him from behind the trees. Eventually he paused for the night, and began to make a fire, laying twigs down, breaking up a robin's nest as kindling. He had a tinder-box in his robe, and he knocked the flint against the steel until the sparks caught the tinder and the fire flamed. There had been two eggs in the nest he had found, and these he ate, raw. They cannot have been much of a meal for so big a man.
He sat there in the firelight, and she came out from her hiding place. She crouched down on the other side of the fire, and stared at him. He grinned, as if it were a long time since he had seen another human, and beckoned her over to him.
She stood up and walked around the fire, and waited, an arms-length away. He pulled in his robe until he found a coin -- a tiny, copper penny, -- and tossed it to her. She caught it, and nodded, and went to him. He pulled at the rope around his waist, and his robe swung open. His body was as hairy as a bear's. She pushed him back onto the moss. One hand crept, spider-like, through the tangle of hair, until it closed on his manhood; the other hand traced a circle on his left nipple. He closed his eyes, and fumbled one huge hand under her skirt. She lowered her mouth to the nipple she had been teasing, her smooth skin white on the furry brown body of him.
She sank her teeth deep into his breast. His eyes opened, then they closed again, and she drank.
She straddled him, and she fed. As she did so a thin blackish liquid began to dribble from between her legs...
"Do you know what is keeping the travellers from our town? What is happening to the forest people?" asked the Head of the Fair.
I covered the mirror in doe-skin, and told him that I would personally take it upon myself to make the forest safe once more.
I had to, although she terrified me. I was the queen.
A foolish woman would have gone then into the forest and tried to capture the creature; but I had been foolish once and had no wish to be so a second time.
I spent time with old books, for I could read a little. I spent time with the gypsy women (who passed through our country across the mountains to the south, rather than cross the forest to the north and the west).
I prepared myself, and obtained those things I would need, and when the first snows began to fall, then I was ready.
Naked, I was, and alone in the highest tower of the palace, a place open to the sky. The winds chilled my body; goose-pimples crept across my arms and thighs and breasts. I carried a silver basin, and a basket in which I had placed a silver knife, a silver pin, some tongs, a grey robe and three green apples.
I put them down and stood there, unclothed, on the tower, humble before the night sky and the wind. Had any man seen me standing there, I would have had his eyes; but there was no-one to spy. Clouds scudded across the sky, hiding and uncovering the waning moon.
I took the silver knife, and slashed my left arm -- once, twice, three times. The blood dripped into the basin, scarlet seeming black in the moonlight.
I added the powder from the vial that hung around my neck. It was a brown dust, made of dried herbs and the skin of a particular toad, and from certain other things. It thickened the blood, while preventing it from clotting.
I took the three apples, one by one, and pricked their skins gently with my silver pin. Then I placed the apples in the silver bowl, and let them sit there while the first tiny flakes of snow of the year fell slowly onto my skin, and onto the apples, and onto the blood.
When dawn began to brighten the sky I covered myself with the grey cloak, and took the red apples from the silver bowl, one by one, lifting each into my basket with silver tongs, taking care not to touch it. There was nothing left of my blood or of the brown powder in the silver bowl, save nothing save a black residue, like a verdigris, on the inside.
I buried the bowl in the earth. Then I cast a glamour on the apples (as once, years before, by a bridge, I had cast a glamour on myself), that they were, beyond any doubt, the most wonderful apples in the world; and the crimson blush of their skins was the warm colour of fresh blood.
I pulled the hood of my cloak low over my face, and I took ribbons and pretty hair ornaments with me, placed them above the apples in the reed basket, and I walked alone into the forest, until I came to her dwelling: a high, sandstone cliff, laced with deep caves going back a way into the rock wall.
There were trees and boulders around the cliff-face, and I walked quietly and gently from tree to tree, without disturbing a twig or a fallen leaf. Eventually I found my place to hide, and I waited, and I watched.
After some hours a clutch of dwarfs crawled out of the cave-front -- ugly, misshapen, hairy little men, the old inhabitants of this country. You saw them seldom now.
They vanished into the wood, and none of them spied me, though one of them stopped to piss against the rock I hid behind.
I waited. No more came out.
I went to the cave entrance and hallooed into it, in a cracked old voice.
The scar on my Mound of Venus throbbed and pulsed as she came towards me, out of the darkness, naked and alone.
She was thirteen years of age, my stepdaughter, and nothing marred the perfect whiteness of her skin save for the livid scar on her left breast, where her heart had been cut from her long since.
The insides of her thighs were stained with wet black filth.
She peered at me, hidden, as I was, in my cloak. She looked at me hungrily. "Ribbons, goodwife," I croaked. "Pretty ribbons for your hair..."
She smiled and beckoned to me. A tug; the scar on my hand was pulling me towards her. I did what I had planned to do, but I did it more readily than I had planned: I dropped my basket, and screeched like the bloodless old pedlar woman I was pretending to be, and I ran.
My grey cloak was the colour of the forest, and I was fast; she did not catch me.
I made my way back to the palace.
I did not see it. Let us imagine though, the girl returning, frustrated and hungry, to her cave, and finding my fallen basket on the ground.
What did she do?
I like to think she played first with the ribbons, twined them into her raven hair, looped them around her pale neck or her tiny waist.
And then, curious, she moved the cloth to see what else was in the basket; and she saw the red, red apples.
They smelled like fresh apples, of course; and they also smelled of blood. And she was hungry. I imagine her picking up an apple, pressing it against her cheek, feeling the cold smoothness of it against her skin.
And she opened her mouth and bit deep into it...
By the time I reached my chambers, the heart that hung from the roof-beam, with the apples and hams and the dried sausages, had ceased to beat. It hung there, quietly, without motion or life, and I felt safe once more.
That winter the snows were high and deep, and were late melting. We were all hungry come the spring.
The Spring Fair was slightly improved that year. The forest folk were few, but they were there, and there were travellers from the lands beyond the forest.
I saw the little hairy men of the forest-cave buying and bargaining for pieces of glass, and lumps of crystal and of quartz-rock. They paid for the glass with silver coins -- the spoils of my stepdaughter's depredations, I had no doubt. When it got about what they were buying, townsfolk rushed back to their homes, came back with their lucky crystals, and, in a few cases, with whole sheets of glass.
I thought, briefly, about having them killed, but I did not. As long as the heart hung, silent and immobile and cold, from the beam of my chamber, I was safe, and so were the folk of the forest, and, thus, eventually, the folk of the town.
My twenty-fifth year came, and my stepdaughter had eaten the poisoned fruit two winters' back, when the Prince came to my Palace. He was tall, very tall, with cold green eyes and the swarthy skin of those from beyond the mountains.
He rode with a small retinue: large enough to defend him, small enough that another monarch -- myself, for instance -- would not view him as a potential threat.
I was practical: I thought of the alliance of our lands, thought of the Kingdom running from the forests all the way south to the sea; I thought of my golden-haired bearded love, dead these eight years; and, in the night, I went to the Prince's room.
I am no innocent, although my late husband, who was once my king, was truly my first lover, no matter what they say.
At first the prince seemed excited. He bade me remove my shift, and made me stand in front of the opened window, far from the fire, until my skin was chilled stone-cold. Then he asked me to lie upon my back, with my hands folded across my breasts, my eyes wide open - but staring only at the beams above. He told me not to move, and to breathe as little as possible. He implored me to say nothing. He spread my legs apart.
It was then that he entered me.
As he began to thrust inside me, I felt my hips raise, felt myself begin to match him, grind for grind, push for push. I moaned. I could not help myself.
His manhood slid out of me. I reached out and touched it, a tiny, slippery thing.
"Please," he said, softly. "You must neither move, nor speak. Just lie there on the stones, so cold and so fair."
I tried, but he had lost whatever force it was that had made him virile; and, some short while later, I left the Prince's room, his curses and tears still resounding in my ears.
He left early the next morning, with all his men, and they rode off into the forest.
I imagine his loins, now, as he rode, a knot of frustration at the base of his manhood. I imagine his pale lips pressed so tightly together. Then I imagine his little troupe riding through the forest, finally coming upon the glass-and-crystal cairn of my stepdaughter. So pale. So cold. Naked, beneath the glass, and little more than a girl, and dead.
In my fancy, I can almost feel the sudden hardness of his manhood inside his britches, envision the lust that took him then, the prayers he muttered beneath his breath in thanks for his good fortune. I imagine him negotiating with the little hairy men - offering them gold and spices for the lovely corpse under the crystal mound.
Did they take his gold willingly? Or did they look up to see his men on their horses, with their sharp swords and their spears, and realize they had no alternative?
I do not know. I was not there; I was not scrying. I can only imagine...
Hands, pulling off the lumps of glass and quartz from her cold body. Hands, gently caressing her cold cheek, moving her cold arm, rejoicing to find the corpse still fresh and pliable.
Did he take her there, in front of them all? Or did he have her carried to a secluded nook before he mounted her?
I cannot say.
Did he shake the apple from her throat? Or did her eyes slowly open as he pounded into her cold body; did her mouth open, those red lips part, those sharp yellow teeth close on his swarthy neck, as the blood, which is the life, trickled down her throat, washing down and away the lump of apple, my own, my poison?
I imagine; I do not know.
This I do know: I was woken in the night by her heart pulsing and beating once more. Salt blood dripped onto my face from above. I sat up. My hand burned and pounded as if I had hit the base of my thumb with a rock.
There was a hammering on the door. I felt afraid, but I am a queen, and I would not show fear. I opened the door.
First his men walked in to my chamber, and stood around me, with their sharp swords, and their long spears.
Then he came in; and he spat in my face.
Finally, she walked into my chamber, as she had when I was first a queen, and she was a child of six. She had not changed. Not really.
She pulled down the twine on which her heart was hanging. She pulled off the dried rowan berries, one by one; pulled off the garlic bulb - now a dried thing, after all these years; then she took up her own, her pumping heart -- a small thing, no larger than that of a nanny-goat or a she-bear -- as it brimmed and pumped its blood into her hand.
Her fingernails must have been as sharp as glass: she opened her breast with them, running them over the purple scar. Her chest gaped, suddenly, open and bloodless. She licked her heart, once, as the blood ran over her hands, and she pushed the heart deep into her breast.
I saw her do it. I saw her close the flesh of her breast once more. I saw the purple scar begin to fade.
Her prince looked briefly concerned, but he put his arm around her nonetheless, and they stood, side by side, and they waited.
And she stayed cold, and the bloom of death remained on her lips, and his lust was not diminished in any way.
They told me they would marry, and the kingdoms would indeed be joined. They told me that I would be with them on their wedding day.
It is starting to get hot in here.
They have told the people bad things about me; a little truth to add savour to the dish, but mixed with many lies.
I was bound and kept in a tiny stone cell beneath the palace, and I remained there through the autumn. Today they fetched me out of the cell; they stripped the rags from me, and washed the filth from me, and then they shaved my head and my loins, and they rubbed my skin with goose grease.
The snow was falling as they carried me -- two men at each hand, two men at each leg -- utterly exposed, and spread-eagled and cold, through the midwinter crowds; and brought me to this kiln.
My stepdaughter stood there with her prince. She watched me, in my indignity, but she said nothing.
As they thrust me inside, jeering and chaffing as they did so, I saw one snowflake land upon her white cheek, and remain there without melting.
They closed the kiln-door behind me. It is getting hotter in here, and outside they are singing and cheering and banging on the sides of the kiln.
She was not laughing, or jeering, or talking. She did not sneer at me or turn away. She looked at me, though; and for a moment I saw myself reflected in her eyes.
I will not scream. I will not give them that satisfaction. They will have my body, but my soul and my story are my own, and will die with me.
The goose-grease begins to melt and glisten upon my skin. I shall make no sound at all. I shall think no more on this.
I shall think instead of the snowflake on her cheek.
I think of her hair as black as coal, her lips as red as blood, her skin, snow-white.
-maybe i'll try something like this later in life....haha.
-til then! bye!
"i hope i can be someone else right now..."
Friday, April 3, 2009
he-who's-going-going-gone!
hahaha...Yey! i'm going home today...
haha...:-D
after a long tiring second semester, i'm going home to quezon! Haha..:-) well, i'm just happy..",
my mom, dad, and brothers are picking me up late this afternoon. hehe. 'really miss them! and my high school classmates...haha...'wonder what they're doing right now...hmmmm...haha.:-)
hmmm...going home is not the only concern i have now...
well, i'm not even sure whether home would be the right place for me......[emo?????]
(sigh) :-l.
anyways...we have a batch of new members in the org...Hahaha...
go guyz!!! go dalumat! welcome to the family!!!
let Sandayaw be your sanctuary of love and happiness..
let Sandayaw teach you how to appreciate our own culture..
NATIONALISM.
LOYALTY.
SERVICE.
ahmmmm...there're a lot of things racing on my mind as of the moment. org stuff. acads (especially my 2nd sem grades). family. friends. haha....:-D
oh yeah...after 48 years (to exaggerate things), our petition for Chem17 this summer has not yet been approved!...Ahhhh!!!!! i don't know what i'd do....i don't wanna be delayed....:-(
anyways, my orgmate told me that there's still the option of 'teacher's prerogative'...huh?? i can't rely on that?! i mean, teachers usually do not accept students prerog-ing during the summer...(somebody told me so.) all i can do, at most of the moment, is hope that i'd be getting chem17 on my systemone account............(sigh) X_x.
x_X.
i just remembered...the latest harry potter movie is coming up this july. don't know the exact date though. it's the sixth film. i have read the book (half blood prince) already and i'm curious of the movie...haha.:-) just felt like uploading a photo...haha.
i'll publish less posts for the coming days...haha:-D
'til then, bye!! (hope i'll be back here in elbi for summer!)
haha...:-D
after a long tiring second semester, i'm going home to quezon! Haha..:-) well, i'm just happy..",
my mom, dad, and brothers are picking me up late this afternoon. hehe. 'really miss them! and my high school classmates...haha...'wonder what they're doing right now...hmmmm...haha.:-)
hmmm...going home is not the only concern i have now...
well, i'm not even sure whether home would be the right place for me......[emo?????]
(sigh) :-l.
anyways...we have a batch of new members in the org...Hahaha...
go guyz!!! go dalumat! welcome to the family!!!
let Sandayaw be your sanctuary of love and happiness..
let Sandayaw teach you how to appreciate our own culture..
NATIONALISM.
LOYALTY.
SERVICE.
ahmmmm...there're a lot of things racing on my mind as of the moment. org stuff. acads (especially my 2nd sem grades). family. friends. haha....:-D
oh yeah...after 48 years (to exaggerate things), our petition for Chem17 this summer has not yet been approved!...Ahhhh!!!!! i don't know what i'd do....i don't wanna be delayed....:-(
anyways, my orgmate told me that there's still the option of 'teacher's prerogative'...huh?? i can't rely on that?! i mean, teachers usually do not accept students prerog-ing during the summer...(somebody told me so.) all i can do, at most of the moment, is hope that i'd be getting chem17 on my systemone account............(sigh) X_x.
x_X.
i just remembered...the latest harry potter movie is coming up this july. don't know the exact date though. it's the sixth film. i have read the book (half blood prince) already and i'm curious of the movie...haha.:-) just felt like uploading a photo...haha.
i'll publish less posts for the coming days...haha:-D
'til then, bye!! (hope i'll be back here in elbi for summer!)
Monday, March 30, 2009
he-who's-sem-has-ended
FINALLY!!!!! (well, not almost)
my semester has ended! haha. yey for me! after the long wait, my HIST2 grade has finally been posted on net. :-D. i found it out just last saturday morning. well, it was a bit of a shock for me. you know, getting my grade. Haha. i didn't expect to attain such a score. ahaha. i was really expecting to take the final examinations (like i always mention in my previous enrties..Haha:-D)...but no! hahaha. i'll not!
Thank God! hehe. i think i did fairly well on the subject, yet i wasn't aware of doing so. Haha.
Go me! Thanks also to Sir Rey, (haha), for being merciful......oh well..
now that i have my HIST2 grade, i'm prepared to go home. but it seems i won't. given the present situation within the org. (sigh). i hope their descision would be fair and justifiable. i'm already affected by the negligence and "inconsideratability" (if there's such a word:)) of some of the people handling the occurence. [long sentence again.]...
anyways, i want a car! haha.
(sporty!!!!! haha) or FUTURISTIC would be the right term. :))
(this one's wierd!)
hmmmm....mazda mazda. MAZDA. haha
oh well...:-)
bye!
my semester has ended! haha. yey for me! after the long wait, my HIST2 grade has finally been posted on net. :-D. i found it out just last saturday morning. well, it was a bit of a shock for me. you know, getting my grade. Haha. i didn't expect to attain such a score. ahaha. i was really expecting to take the final examinations (like i always mention in my previous enrties..Haha:-D)...but no! hahaha. i'll not!
Thank God! hehe. i think i did fairly well on the subject, yet i wasn't aware of doing so. Haha.
Go me! Thanks also to Sir Rey, (haha), for being merciful......oh well..
now that i have my HIST2 grade, i'm prepared to go home. but it seems i won't. given the present situation within the org. (sigh). i hope their descision would be fair and justifiable. i'm already affected by the negligence and "inconsideratability" (if there's such a word:)) of some of the people handling the occurence. [long sentence again.]...
anyways, i want a car! haha.
(sporty!!!!! haha) or FUTURISTIC would be the right term. :))
(this one's wierd!)
hmmmm....mazda mazda. MAZDA. haha
oh well...:-)
bye!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
he-who's-apparently-annoyed
i'm in the internet shop nearest MRH (where i stay in this semester). Haha. and who cares?? hehe.:-)
it was serene here today because i am alone surfing the net, apart from the girl in the counter and the one typing for her paper, until i was totally (well, not really) annoyed by a boy who is watching anime on youtube and kept laughing really really loud. as if he's alone here! the nerve! haha. :-)
well, it's not the best time to be in an annoyed state.....because....(drum roll...tad-tararad-tada!)
we [OFFICIALLY] found a house (apartment) to rent/stay in for this coming summer and next semester! just yesterday afternoon. haha. it was really a coincidence and a bit of lack and perseverance. haha.X_X. to make things worse yesterday, we were obliged by the owner to pay Php12, 000.00 pesos, as downpayment (one month advance, one month deposit), today for us to have the unit. of course we were down-in-the-dumps for a moment. i mean, where in this insane world would anyone be able to get a wopping Php12, 000.00! hahahahaha.
anyways, we've done it! we already have the money today because of our parents' money and help from our orgmates. thanks guyz! love you all! haha.
we're planning to transfer our things to "our new apartment" (haha) this afternoon. but first, we'll have to clean it! darn. haha. oh well.......:-)
[thank god he stopped laughing 'cause i'm totally freaking out on the inside",]
ahhmmmm......what else????......hmmmmmm...
oh yeah! some of my course standings came out yesterday! haha. i'm safe with 4 out of 8 of my subjects this sem. haha yey! go me! no more worrying about LTS1, NASC2, PE2-BD (which by the way is really cool), and MATH11 (which i have to say, am very proud of passing because i repeated it this sem. Haha.) yes!!!!!!!!!
4 burden down, 4 more to go! haha.
currently, i'm still worrying about my ENG2, BIO2, CRSC1, and....wait, i forgot my other subject....ahhmmmmmm...
hhhmmmmm...(still thinking....)
wait a sec...
ahah! the ever hard (well, for me:-))..HIST2!!! haha. well, i'm expecting to take the final examination 'cause i had a bad semester with the subject. huhu. hope not! please no!!!! haha.
breathe. breathe. whew!
anyways, my groupmate in bio2 lab told me last evening that our standing would ne released today. so i'm going to IBS later to check how i did. hope i did well.
go go go! no more words are coming out....haha.
bye!
(you can never know what will happen next!)
THE INTERNET KEEPS ON DISCONNECTING! DARN IT!
it was serene here today because i am alone surfing the net, apart from the girl in the counter and the one typing for her paper, until i was totally (well, not really) annoyed by a boy who is watching anime on youtube and kept laughing really really loud. as if he's alone here! the nerve! haha. :-)
well, it's not the best time to be in an annoyed state.....because....(drum roll...tad-tararad-tada!)
we [OFFICIALLY] found a house (apartment) to rent/stay in for this coming summer and next semester! just yesterday afternoon. haha. it was really a coincidence and a bit of lack and perseverance. haha.X_X. to make things worse yesterday, we were obliged by the owner to pay Php12, 000.00 pesos, as downpayment (one month advance, one month deposit), today for us to have the unit. of course we were down-in-the-dumps for a moment. i mean, where in this insane world would anyone be able to get a wopping Php12, 000.00! hahahahaha.
anyways, we've done it! we already have the money today because of our parents' money and help from our orgmates. thanks guyz! love you all! haha.
we're planning to transfer our things to "our new apartment" (haha) this afternoon. but first, we'll have to clean it! darn. haha. oh well.......:-)
[thank god he stopped laughing 'cause i'm totally freaking out on the inside",]
ahhmmmm......what else????......hmmmmmm...
oh yeah! some of my course standings came out yesterday! haha. i'm safe with 4 out of 8 of my subjects this sem. haha yey! go me! no more worrying about LTS1, NASC2, PE2-BD (which by the way is really cool), and MATH11 (which i have to say, am very proud of passing because i repeated it this sem. Haha.) yes!!!!!!!!!
4 burden down, 4 more to go! haha.
currently, i'm still worrying about my ENG2, BIO2, CRSC1, and....wait, i forgot my other subject....ahhmmmmmm...
hhhmmmmm...(still thinking....)
wait a sec...
ahah! the ever hard (well, for me:-))..HIST2!!! haha. well, i'm expecting to take the final examination 'cause i had a bad semester with the subject. huhu. hope not! please no!!!! haha.
breathe. breathe. whew!
anyways, my groupmate in bio2 lab told me last evening that our standing would ne released today. so i'm going to IBS later to check how i did. hope i did well.
go go go! no more words are coming out....haha.
bye!
(you can never know what will happen next!)
THE INTERNET KEEPS ON DISCONNECTING! DARN IT!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
an-entry-with-no-title-haha
ahhhmmmmmm.,.,.,i really don't know what to type. Hahaha.:-)
well, i just feel like posting a blog entry...
anyways...earlier this morning, i read a magazine article from Scientific American entitled Magnifying Taste in their august 2008 issue, which by the way, i got from my aunt for an article for my LRP in ENG2. (haha, long sentence...isn't it?). anyways. the article was about our tongue's taste perceptions and some special watchimacolets to enhance the taste quality of foods. the article also discuss our taste buds, which, to ny surprise, revealed that the human tongue is not divided into regions that can taste certain flavors of food, like sweet, sour, bitter, salty, and umami (savory), but instead has taste receptors scattered on the surface of the tongue that detects all flavors!
JUST THOUGHT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW.
(or am i the last person to know this..?? haha. hope not. anyways. i don't really care! haha.:-))
that reminds me, i'm also gonna post this on my friendster and multiply account.",
ahah! well, i now realized that the thing they (teachers) taught us during elementary and high school is quite out-of-date and completely (well, not almost) wrong.
hahahahahaha.....:-) all these years, i thought my tongue really has 'invisible' divisions. haha. oh well.X_x.
i really do feel that the government has to do something about it. the out-of-date teachings and references. i mean, what would be the implications of these "incorrect knowledge" to little children when they grow up, right? haha. oh well.:-0...guess that really is education here; you'll be fed up with out-dated stuff when you're little that you thought was right, next thing you know, when you've reached higher schooling, it's not. haha again and again hahaha. :-D.
(SIGH!) changing the topic....until now, i don't really know whether i am to attend summer classes or not. our petition has not yet been approved. (sigh again",). i really really do hope it will be, approved that is, because i badly need CHEM 17!! haha.", well that's life. i guess i just have to live with...hahaX_x.
i (or rather we,) also need to find a house to stay in for the summer and next semester...huhu.
my problems wo'nt stop haunting me...ahhhhhh!!! i can do this!!!! hahah yeah! :-D
'til then, bye!
well, i just feel like posting a blog entry...
anyways...earlier this morning, i read a magazine article from Scientific American entitled Magnifying Taste in their august 2008 issue, which by the way, i got from my aunt for an article for my LRP in ENG2. (haha, long sentence...isn't it?). anyways. the article was about our tongue's taste perceptions and some special watchimacolets to enhance the taste quality of foods. the article also discuss our taste buds, which, to ny surprise, revealed that the human tongue is not divided into regions that can taste certain flavors of food, like sweet, sour, bitter, salty, and umami (savory), but instead has taste receptors scattered on the surface of the tongue that detects all flavors!
JUST THOUGHT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW.
(or am i the last person to know this..?? haha. hope not. anyways. i don't really care! haha.:-))
that reminds me, i'm also gonna post this on my friendster and multiply account.",
ahah! well, i now realized that the thing they (teachers) taught us during elementary and high school is quite out-of-date and completely (well, not almost) wrong.
hahahahahaha.....:-) all these years, i thought my tongue really has 'invisible' divisions. haha. oh well.X_x.
i really do feel that the government has to do something about it. the out-of-date teachings and references. i mean, what would be the implications of these "incorrect knowledge" to little children when they grow up, right? haha. oh well.:-0...guess that really is education here; you'll be fed up with out-dated stuff when you're little that you thought was right, next thing you know, when you've reached higher schooling, it's not. haha again and again hahaha. :-D.
(SIGH!) changing the topic....until now, i don't really know whether i am to attend summer classes or not. our petition has not yet been approved. (sigh again",). i really really do hope it will be, approved that is, because i badly need CHEM 17!! haha.", well that's life. i guess i just have to live with...hahaX_x.
i (or rather we,) also need to find a house to stay in for the summer and next semester...huhu.
my problems wo'nt stop haunting me...ahhhhhh!!! i can do this!!!! hahah yeah! :-D
'til then, bye!
Friday, March 20, 2009
here-i-go-again",
before this day finally end...i wanna make sure that i published a decent blog entry. Haha. (well, just to make up..hehe). this is the second time i posted a blog entry today.[wow!]...hehehe
(so shallow to consider an accomplishment.haha X_X.)...I have to say, this had been the worsest of my worst weeks ever!!!!!!! aaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!...........:-0.
Anyways, (haha) today is (or was?) the last day of classes of the second semester!! haha. yey! vacation!!! well maybe for a lot of students, but not me...huhu...'cause i'm planning to take Chem17 this summer......Whoah?! :-). seriously, i desperately need this course. i hope i could get a slot. actually, i had previously tried to reserve a slot for the said subject (i think that was last tuesday, the day systemone opened online), but unfortunately 'they' ran out of slots. apparently, the university can only offer two sections for Chem17. what's up with that??!! :-@. i mean, the idea of offering just 2 sections is , in my opinion, quite cruel. we'll be delayed!! (i certainly hope it wouldn't happen.:-)).
hope our petition would be approved. yeah! go food techs! ",
lately, i'm building an appreciation for cars. ahahaha.X_x. a lot of car models are speeding up and down the highway. haha. but what i really caught me was that of mazda. well....hehe. hahaha. X_X ", i don't wanna elaborate anymore. hahaha.....here's a picture of a mazda car i think is really really cool. check it out...
oh..wait..that reminds me, i still have 2 examinations on monday.....must review must review!!! hahaha. X_x. i can do this!!!! yeah :-D.
since monday, i really wanted to sit in front of the computer and type a blog entry. i promised myself to make this long. haha. why? i really don't know. hope i'd find the reason somewhere.....haha.X_x. well, maybe it's because blogging (if you can call this that) is my personal stress reliever. hehe. after a whole tiring week, it's nice to have something to lay my hands on. and my mind as well.
[why are there people who apparently don't care about the noise their making!!!????? don't even try to imagine how noisy it is in here...:-(...] haha. oh well...i guess i'll have to live with it.
(so shallow to consider an accomplishment.haha X_X.)...I have to say, this had been the worsest of my worst weeks ever!!!!!!! aaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!...........:-0.
Anyways, (haha) today is (or was?) the last day of classes of the second semester!! haha. yey! vacation!!! well maybe for a lot of students, but not me...huhu...'cause i'm planning to take Chem17 this summer......Whoah?! :-). seriously, i desperately need this course. i hope i could get a slot. actually, i had previously tried to reserve a slot for the said subject (i think that was last tuesday, the day systemone opened online), but unfortunately 'they' ran out of slots. apparently, the university can only offer two sections for Chem17. what's up with that??!! :-@. i mean, the idea of offering just 2 sections is , in my opinion, quite cruel. we'll be delayed!! (i certainly hope it wouldn't happen.:-)).
hope our petition would be approved. yeah! go food techs! ",
lately, i'm building an appreciation for cars. ahahaha.X_x. a lot of car models are speeding up and down the highway. haha. but what i really caught me was that of mazda. well....hehe. hahaha. X_X ", i don't wanna elaborate anymore. hahaha.....here's a picture of a mazda car i think is really really cool. check it out...
oh..wait..that reminds me, i still have 2 examinations on monday.....must review must review!!! hahaha. X_x. i can do this!!!! yeah :-D.
since monday, i really wanted to sit in front of the computer and type a blog entry. i promised myself to make this long. haha. why? i really don't know. hope i'd find the reason somewhere.....haha.X_x. well, maybe it's because blogging (if you can call this that) is my personal stress reliever. hehe. after a whole tiring week, it's nice to have something to lay my hands on. and my mind as well.
[why are there people who apparently don't care about the noise their making!!!????? don't even try to imagine how noisy it is in here...:-(...] haha. oh well...i guess i'll have to live with it.
just-a-short-one!
i've been meaning to type a blog entry since...like...forever! hahaha. there's a lot of stuff going on right now. well.....", i really want to make this long but i can't, i need to go back and type my scientific paper on crop science 1 and finish my exercises on bio2 that are all due THIS AFTERNOON!!!!!!! waaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!! (goodluck! and a lot of it.,.,haha.X_x).
I'll let everyone know if i survive this...haha.
bye!
I'll let everyone know if i survive this...haha.
bye!
Monday, March 16, 2009
He-who's-new-here:-D
obviously, I'm new here....Hahaha....
this is my first time to type a blog entry on this site. well it's really a co-incidence i came across this blog site on the net....hehehe.,.,.I'm kinda hooked with blogs..hahaha. making it a stress reliever especially at these times of the semester, when everything seems to fall. Hahaha. well nothing much is happening lately. hahaha. there i go again, kidding myself.Hahaha....:-)
my first blog. hehe. apparently, i have nothing more to type. have to get back to the main library and finish everything!...'til then.,.,X_X
this is my first time to type a blog entry on this site. well it's really a co-incidence i came across this blog site on the net....hehehe.,.,.I'm kinda hooked with blogs..hahaha. making it a stress reliever especially at these times of the semester, when everything seems to fall. Hahaha. well nothing much is happening lately. hahaha. there i go again, kidding myself.Hahaha....:-)
my first blog. hehe. apparently, i have nothing more to type. have to get back to the main library and finish everything!...'til then.,.,X_X
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